Learning a harsh and honest truth about myself has never been easy. Writing this post in a completely and totally vulnerable manner is not either. I’ve already revised the first few words several times because I am finding it crazy how hard it is to tell you things that I have done and not somehow skew any anecdote I have regarding my life or experience towards the positive. I have convinced myself for a long time that I am the hero of every episode I have lived. If that fails I jump into my backup mode of humor that tends to reek of sarcasm, dark stuff, innuendo, shock perversity or dad jokes mixed with all of that and wielded like a floppy sword. Just slapping the shit out of everyone around me until they are laughing and they don’t know why. I know why, I think anyway. They want me to stop. They are scared to tell me so. They are sick of it. I have heard, “Enough Jokes”, “Just leave me alone.” “I just wanted you to listen”, “I don’t want/need you to fix it/everything”.
I have to set the record straight. I didn’t hear. Oh I heard sounds but I think my brain translated it all to “making me laugh or telling me the logical solution will fix everything and the stress of me being upset will magically lift from your shoulders.” Browbeating or intimidating someone into a sullen retreat created a life for me of few arguments. (Aside – that last sentence came out naturally. Browbeating and intimidation are the same thing. I was filling that in with long words probably to convince someone somewhere I must be smart. I also negatively described the target of those tactics basically as a depressed coward. Very far from the truth.) It taught me nothing about conflict resolution. As a result I have eaten a LOT of shit in my life that sane healthy people wouldn’t or couldn’t stand for. Why? You may ask? I trained myself to act in the same way people around me acted, well, around me. No waves seen, no waves generated. Nary a ripple. I paid that forward to a few pretty dysfunctional companies and managers over time. I have no names or places to offer up, but I dealt with a small minded, selfishly focused outright liar with a Napoleone complex who thought he was tough shit because he was a roided out idiot 2 decades ago. I should have shut that shit down with an open handed slap. Looking back at all his bullshit fake pep talks about loyalty, Familia, having backs and taking care of each other, heck he said multiple times he would go to WAR with me, and others. Hey Guy Smiley, Mr. Loyalty, Guess what? I think you would get fragged by your own side on day 2. I’m guessing you wont (or possibly can’t) ever read this, but if you do there was a chance to show that you were honorable and all it would have taken would have been 5 very short words. “If He Goes, I go.” But then again that’s something a man would say. So I get why you didn’t.
Where the fuck was I anyway? Oh yeah. Poor me. Nope. Wait. I have very often hurt and pushed away people I love. Former romantic partners, Friends, Family, My Children, and probably my wife. I did this I think to save myself the stress of being hurt first, I have lacked engagement. Saying look what I did for you, instead of, I am happy we did this together. In that first statement I am showing what a Hero I am. How dare you not be in awe! In the second statement, I just am. That is where my ambition ambles towards these days. Just to be. Be a part of things. Be someone who leans in to things like asking how you are. Trusting. Really hearing.
Where the heck did this come from you may ask? Or I may pretend you are asking anyway. I have a friend. Lets call her Denis. She has a coworker who has, I hope, become a dear friend. Lets call him Tom. Because that’s his name and he wont give a fuck. I hope. I met Denis by offering to help out with some projects involving her business. She was a bit skeptical that someone would just do this for nothing. So I did. Kind of. I did some projects, bought some materials, and she was more than fair asking me multiple times for receipts so she could at least pay me back for my expenses. I delayed handing them over with the idea that I would finally say dont worry about it. I was also super helpful during this time by sending her ideas and plans that would totally fix the multiple issues that her building was in the midst of AND it would be done super right. During this time Tom had been a friendly fellow for a carmudgeon but gradually he became more cold and at times abrupt and somewhat rude even. I know right! Finally I snapped at Tom and asked what his fucking problem had become. Tom’s answer shook me to my core and changed my entire world view.
What I had been doing by not giving Denis the reciepts she asked for, instead of being the benevolent favor I was picturing had become a source of stress and anxiety. She was concerned about paying a bill she had no idea the total of. I also completely overwhelmed her with things that I was knowledgeable about and thus figured everyone was knowledgeable about. I was totally oblivious to the fact that when I say “oh no big deal just knock that wall out” most people picture the building coming down or worse. My wife knows this. I declared one day I was going to rebuild the upstairs. As she was wondering what I meant, I was starting a chainsaw and cutting off the upstairs and kicking it over the side. That’s true. That time I was awesome. Tom however is the hero of this story. Tom told me what so many others had tried and failed to convey to me, and I HEARD him. I, it so happened, was an ass. Still am. I’m working at it though.
I hope I am making some sense. I don’t care though. I just wanted to blather on about old dogs and new tricks. I CAN learn. I am improving. To those I have hurt, in all the ways known and many left so far undiscovered, you have my apology. I am sorry. If there is any solace please know that I relive things with new insights all the time and I am learning from the pain and stress I have caused. I cherish the parts of you that you shared with me. I mourn the loss of fellowships I’ve enjoyed. Watched so many bridges burn without even a tear forming from the smoke. I cherish every single one of you I have ever had an interaction with. I sincerely hope any smile I have caused or burden I eased for a moment, MEANT something to you as it has to me.
I’m going to place here the words that were on a sticker I purchased at a local shipping store. They jumped right out at me then and to end here I can do no better. I am unable to credit the author but my suspiction is that none was ever sought.
Walk on. Walk on with Hope in your Heart.
Except you Guy. Fuck you. Some stripes never fade.
TLDR – Thank you Tom.
SCOTcrateese 
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